Fervor Fever

I've always envied people who are soaked in their dedication and perseveration for something they're passionate about. You know those people you occasionally come across who are hungry to achieve their professional goals and are walking on the path that leads right to it.  Those people who inspire you and burn your self-esteem at the same time. 

When I listen to someone talk about how they spent the whole night researching some random concept even though they didn't have to, I'm absolutely dumbstruck and left in a state of awe. They just did it because they wanted to. I think that's just brilliant (mostly because I usually sleep and procrastinate all the time) and they make it sound so natural and easy. How are some people so focused and completely diluted in their work? 

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not that diligent. I haven't found that raw hungry burning desire that makes a person forget the rest of the world, forget any sense of time and space. I haven't caught the fervor fever. And boy do I want it, now more than ever. 

Don't get me wrong. I am passionate about a number of things. My list of passions is longer than my grocery list. Writing, poetry, photography, dancing, singing, painting, cooking. You name it. I've got it on the list. I enjoy engaging my mind and body in those activities but only after I've actually started doing it. In a perfect world, I would just naturally be inclined to do what I'm passionate about when I feel low, or when I have free time. 

The problem is for me to get to work, I need to be kick-started like an old rusty scooter. In the past, I've mostly been motivated by the pressure of deadlines and the incentive of earning money. I can trace this back to how society molded and motivated me when I was growing up. When I was a kid, my teachers or my mother were the ones who used to force me to work hard. "You need to score well," "you need to be better than others (especially your perfectionist overachiever sister)."  Eventually, the competitiveness of the classroom contributed as well. Slowly and slowly I began doing things for the sake of being the best at them or making a good impression, not because I genuinely enjoyed them. As a teen making the not-so-big bucks, seeing the double zeros in my bank was a significant motivation for me to burn the midnight oil. 

But, I hardly remember taking out time for doing something I genuinely liked (binging on shows and films don't count). I was reading a book called "ikigai: the Japanese secret to a long life" and the secret is to keep yourself busy in your passion. I want posterity too but I also want to be lazy sometimes. You know. 

Until motivation kicks my butt

-RS

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